I didn’t need to answer the phone to know that something was wrong. Teen sons, in my experience, don’t just call Mom out of the blue. A trembling voice confirmed my fear – something terrible had happened. Beagle’s good friend, one of his posse, has died.
I find myself telling the news to everyone I cross paths with – not for any hope of consolation, but rather to solidify the truth. Repeating the words moves me toward acceptance. Beagle doesn’t know why, but he’s doing the same thing. He didn’t want to talk at length about the tragedy, he just wanted to tell me, then hang up the phone and tell the next person and the next, until he could believe what he was saying.
In the hierarchy of horribleness, the passing of a child trumps the list of losses that one could encounter in a lifetime. Few things are more cruel and bewildering. When a life is cut far too short, the facade of relative safety and structure that outlines our typical days explodes, leaving us exposed to the elements of reality. Nothing is guaranteed. Life does not belong to us. If it did, we would get to decide when it ended.
I have been around this block before, of course, and I know my way through grief. But Beagle does not. He is barely a man-cub and not yet fully versed in love and loss. The time has come for Husband and I to teach lessons we had hoped would not arise for many years.
We cannot spare our boy any pain. We can only hold a space for it, allowing it to express itself in any of its wildly varying forms. We begin to paint a picture of grief, leading by example with unrestrained tears, voiced regrets, and demonstrations of strength and support.
We show and tell Beagle that no matter how mature you become, you will struggle with death. The very fact that you have dared to love and connect to others means that you will suffer loss. Try not to hate love for loss. Try not to hate life for death. Keep your heart open. Don’t construct walls where doors should be. And promise me you won’t subscribe to outdated stereotypes of masculinity. Real men DO cry.
Beagle, you were meant to cross paths with your friend who left so soon. The chapter of time with him is done, but the story doesn’t end. The two of you will eternally be connected. You will remember him and integrate him into your future with stories and rituals. You will find ways to honor him. You will introduce him to people who will never meet him.
Eventually, happiness will touch your sorrow. You will smile when you think of your time together instead of feeling drawn into the pit of your belly. Don’t rush the healing. And don’t prolong it for anyone else’s sake. Let it evolve in it’s own time. Trust your heart to guide you.
We were all lucky to have known this sweet boy. Thank you, Beagle, for bringing him into our lives. Know that we are here for you, supporting you as you leave the innocence and carefreeness of your youth behind. You are now part of a club that no one wants to belong to. You are far from alone.
Chaos & Clarity 