Sometimes life isn’t what it appears to be. Sometimes loss is actually gain.
When I was a newlywed, my father-in-law died unexpectedly. With less than 2 months of marriage under my belt, I felt ill-prepared to play the mature role of wife to the aggrieved.
Husband and I were supposed to be figuring out little things like how to co-exist, compromise, and negotiate whether one should squeeze a toothpaste tube from the middle or roll it up from the bottom. Instead, we were thrust into decisions and actions that catapulted us past the fun frivolity of young adulthood.
In hindsight, the events of that summer were serendipitous. Being immersed in grief, Husband and I had no inclination to trifle with each other. When peers voiced their stage-appropriate struggles and discoveries, I would listen with the ears of an outsider, unable to relate. From my new perspective, there were much bigger things in life than, life.
The blessings amidst loss are difficult to see. Even with an open heart and willing mind, clarity may never arrive. The darkness surrounding grief is thick and impossible to penetrate with the naked eye. If one has any hope of experiencing the full range of possibilites, one must abandon conventional thinking and principled resistance.
In situations such as school shootings, it’s tempting to stir the pot of grief with anger, regret, and demands for retribution. We want someone to ‘pay’ for our loss. When it hurts so badly that it’s too much to bear, we share the pain, hoping it will make us feel better. And sometimes it does. There’s no greater love than that from another human who can hold our grief, if even for a fleeting moment.
But healing and transformation will never arrive in the midst of hate. We can’t hear the wisdom within whilst venom is spewing forth. Anger is a catalyst to be sure. It can be helpful to light a fire that will enlighten the world. But true change needs a safe entry-point. When our intent is to burn those from whom we need help in order to move mountains, we all lose.
It must follow, if one is to go on living after loss, that we pick up the pieces of a shattered delusion of order and justice and put it back together in a way that suits a new paradigm. This is true no matter the circumstances of loss. This is one of the gifts to be garnered.
During my recent experience with grief following the loss of Beagle’s 19 year old friend, I found myself privy to a fresh perspective of sorrow. It was intense and heart-breaking, as one would expect, but it was also magnificent.
Beagle and company filled up an entire church pew, standing shoulder to shoulder in their dress clothes without space enough to slip a piece of paper between them. Parents stood behind, watching their sons’ bodies tense and tremble, listening to tears flow, and observing, in warp speed, the transformation from boy to man.
These boys, the embodiment of healthful youth, processed through protocol and were received with enthusiasm by their friend’s family. They toasted the boy who no one had ever seen in a bad mood. They poked fun at their late friend’s expense, just as they would have if he was there with them, solidifying his lasting place in the brotherhood.
The gifts of grieving unfolded with every ritualized, as well as every unscripted, step. Never was the congruence of love so evident as it was in this group coming together, supporting each other in grief the same way they bond with each other in celebration.
Life is never the same after we lose a fellow human. Each puts a personal stamp on the world that cannot be replaced. And there’s no prescription for how to go on living. But one thing is certain: allowing yourself to experience loss for all its potential will inevitably lead to grace.
Chaos & Clarity 