Mask Police

21 Oct 2020 Leave a comment

by Deb D in The Jig Is Up Tags: , , ,

Dear person who refuses to wear a mask,

I promised myself at the outset of the pandemic that I wouldn’t play the role of Mask Police.

I’m not interested in facing your resistance to following a simple, sensical guideline. Instead, I don myself with more PPE than necessary, hoping to protect both of us.  What I haven’t mastered are the skills needed to protect myself from my judgment of you.

The world is highly contagious and it’s not just because there’s a virus afoot.  We are sick with hate, resentment, and vengeance. Fear has manifested in the form of civil unrest, political division and interpersonal distress and is infecting the masses in a far more catastrophic manner than a germ.

We know that those with healthy immune systems fair better against any number of assaults from the environment. This is true for the emotional immune system as well. But we may have to dig deeper into the (arsenal) toolbox for the right (weapon) instrument to (fight) build up our defenses against that which threatens our emotional resilience.

I grew up worshipping the Greatest Generation – those born into an unfortunate time in history that filled their early years with hardships. Not unlike us who are living through historic challenges, they lost jobs and lives. Perhaps unlike us, they learned to survive with less and were proud to do their part. Despite the sacrifices, they emerged as a grateful nation, learning to humbly accept a changed life. 

I’d like to think that we, too, are building something of worth – character, or skills, or ideas for reformation. It’s too early to tell, but the forecast isn’t promising based on current patterns of social anomie.

Ultimately, intolerance boils down to the fact that we oppose each other because we’re afraid. Afraid that if you’re right, I might be wrong.  Afraid that if you make your own choices, I might be in danger.  Each person fights with pointed finger for their own individual determinants of safety and rightness. We desperately try to construct ‘the world according to me’ to spare ourselves the discomfort of stretching our boundaries.

A waxing and waning gratitude practice has proven to me over and over that we don’t need to be ruled by fear and scarcity. When we shift the way we think about things, the things we think about change. With this in mind, we may be able to redeem some goodwill between us.

Instead of judging each other for our opposing beliefs and practices, we might ask ourselves, ‘What part of me is threatened by you and your differences?’

Here’s what I know to be true: when I judge you, I suffer.  When I accept you, I am peaceful. The gap between the two is simply a choice.

So, non-mask-wearing human, the next time we meet, I will summon tolerance in the name of inner peace which, I believe, is the first step to world peace. Or at the very least, good sportsmanship at this game of Life.

Love,

Deb

Feedback or Criticism? Your Choice.

13 Mar 2016 2 Comments

by Deb D in Insights Tags: , , , , ,

I’ve been told that yoga is the gateway to self-realization. Me-thinks this is a ridiculously tall order for a stretching and breathing routine. And yet, I can’t deny that magical things (not always glorious) happen when I practice.

Enter Yoga Bitch – a tyrant of an instructor in a Barbie doll body. I purposely avoid her classes because of her uber-corrective style of teaching. I prefer a more subtle approach – the kind that favors ‘come as you are and do your best.’ But here she was, filled to the brim with critique and ready to release it with fervor.

Her perpetual corrections to each student amounted to a barrage of noise in my head that threatened to fracture my composure and release the hateful thoughts swirling around in my head. As my annoyance escalated, I tried desperately to force benevolence. But so convinced was I of my rightness and the teacher’s wrongness, that I couldn’t concentrate.

‘This is a test.’ I thought. ‘FOCUS!’

The harder I fought to block her out, the greater my anxiety.

Yoga Bitch broke protocol and began circling the room like a shark which further deteriorated my resolve. I feared for her safety as I imagined an unrestrained Hulk emerging from within me. Then the unthinkable happened – she TOUCHED a fellow yogi!

A quick disclaimer followed – she wouldn’t touch a student unless she had known them for a long time and had his or her permission. Note to self: don’t become too friendly with yoga instructor.

Assuming that my fellow yogi felt as agitated as I did for him, I glued my attention in his direction, expecting and maybe even hoping that he would lash out at her and send her scrambling back to the front of the room where she belonged. Instead, he softly and sincerely said, “Thank you.”

Thank you?! Cue the scratching record sound. I could hardly believe my ears. Did he mean that sarcastically like, ‘Thank you sir, I’ll have another?’

I froze in my posture, stunned, while my brain flipped over, showing me the other side of the coin.

Tails: She’s so critical and annoying.
Heads: She’s trying to help. Say thank you.
Tails: But it’s not helpful. I don’t want to say thank you.
Heads: Don’t be childish. It’s for your benefit. Just make a different choice and you will find peace.

The ability to reframe my perspective so completely and with such speed came as a sort of shock. One second I was raging and the next I was mollified, simply by choosing a new thought.

I’ve been known to preach that everything in life is a gift for which we can be grateful – even criticism. Hadn’t I just told my 12 year old as much when she complained that her English teacher’s review of an essay was unfair? It’s so easy to hold onto pride and so difficult to swallow it in the name of self-improvement.

Later that day I tried my gratitude trick on other difficult situations. “Thank you,” I replied to the boss who micromanages my work. “I won’t make that mistake again.”

Choosing this response, albeit with an experimental amount of sincerity, changed me. There was no resentment or anger or impatience for this person or the situation. And it changed the woman’s response to me. In the absence of defensiveness, both sides were free to be kind. My appreciation for her ‘help’ generated an in-kind donation of gratitude for all my ‘hard work and commitment to growth.’ Go figure.

I’ve read that a good yoga teacher will show you the way toward yourself. She cannot bring you there. You must find your own way. And should you run into your shadow along the way, you’ll know that you’re on the right path.

I’m not going to lie and say that I suddenly love being critiqued. But I do have a more mature appreciation for it and a sense of gratitude to those who are brave enough to dole it out. Which simply means that my beloved yoga studio, and the world, are (for now) safe from the defensive beast that is me.

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