Mask Police

21 Oct 2020 Leave a comment

by Deb D in The Jig Is Up Tags: , , ,

Dear person who refuses to wear a mask,

I promised myself at the outset of the pandemic that I wouldn’t play the role of Mask Police.

I’m not interested in facing your resistance to following a simple, sensical guideline. Instead, I don myself with more PPE than necessary, hoping to protect both of us.  What I haven’t mastered are the skills needed to protect myself from my judgment of you.

The world is highly contagious and it’s not just because there’s a virus afoot.  We are sick with hate, resentment, and vengeance. Fear has manifested in the form of civil unrest, political division and interpersonal distress and is infecting the masses in a far more catastrophic manner than a germ.

We know that those with healthy immune systems fair better against any number of assaults from the environment. This is true for the emotional immune system as well. But we may have to dig deeper into the (arsenal) toolbox for the right (weapon) instrument to (fight) build up our defenses against that which threatens our emotional resilience.

I grew up worshipping the Greatest Generation – those born into an unfortunate time in history that filled their early years with hardships. Not unlike us who are living through historic challenges, they lost jobs and lives. Perhaps unlike us, they learned to survive with less and were proud to do their part. Despite the sacrifices, they emerged as a grateful nation, learning to humbly accept a changed life. 

I’d like to think that we, too, are building something of worth – character, or skills, or ideas for reformation. It’s too early to tell, but the forecast isn’t promising based on current patterns of social anomie.

Ultimately, intolerance boils down to the fact that we oppose each other because we’re afraid. Afraid that if you’re right, I might be wrong.  Afraid that if you make your own choices, I might be in danger.  Each person fights with pointed finger for their own individual determinants of safety and rightness. We desperately try to construct ‘the world according to me’ to spare ourselves the discomfort of stretching our boundaries.

A waxing and waning gratitude practice has proven to me over and over that we don’t need to be ruled by fear and scarcity. When we shift the way we think about things, the things we think about change. With this in mind, we may be able to redeem some goodwill between us.

Instead of judging each other for our opposing beliefs and practices, we might ask ourselves, ‘What part of me is threatened by you and your differences?’

Here’s what I know to be true: when I judge you, I suffer.  When I accept you, I am peaceful. The gap between the two is simply a choice.

So, non-mask-wearing human, the next time we meet, I will summon tolerance in the name of inner peace which, I believe, is the first step to world peace. Or at the very least, good sportsmanship at this game of Life.

Love,

Deb

Words That Need To Be Whispered

04 May 2020 4 Comments

by Deb D in Insights, Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , ,

“This is the best thing that could have happened to me,” she whispered, as if to sneak the truth in through the back door. 

My friend understood that revealing her relief about the current pandemic restrictions might be met with hostility.  Thus the need to whisper words that are too controversial to utter aloud.

Suffering is socially acceptable at times like these.  Tales of loss and devastation are broadcast to the masses.  Attention and sympathy abound for those who are withering.

For those who experience something other than melancholy, silence is the safest option lest they risk being accused of insensitivity or labeled as privileged.

My friend is neither tone-deaf nor unaffected.  She, like many, has lost her income and is hunkering down with her young son.  Her husband works on the front line.  She has reasons to worry.  But she chooses to admit that her sacrifices are a fair exchange for unforeseen benefits.

She has less money but more time.  Fewer activities but more cuddles with her son.   And magically, the pain in her body has waned in the absence of a physically stressful job.

Before the COVID-19 pandemic slammed its fist down on the world, we were Busy. Mindless. Careless. We lived life based on a litany of responsibilities and desires with hardly a thought about the effects of our choices.  Now we are reduced to focusing on basic needs while weighing them against risk.  Should I risk exposure to the virus for a loaf of bread?

There isn’t a person on earth who hasn’t had to adjust.  And no one, not even the experts can predict how this story ends.  This is good news.  Because ‘not knowing’ is where creativity and growth are born. 

This is rich soil we’re standing on.  There is gold beneath our feet, waiting to be mined.  We need not look any further than inside of ourselves to discover the gems that belong to us alone.

Those things you don’t miss from pre-pandemic days are a clue to where your life was leaking, informing you of where you gave away your precious resources. 

The people and practices you pine for beg you to examine their place in your life.  Do you need them or want them and why?  Are you willing to be surprised by the answer?

A platform for self-discovery has been delivered to your door courtesy of Social Isolation. Resist the urge to turn away.  Entertain it in bits until you dare to look it square in the eyes and ask, “What message do you have for me?”

There is no rush.  No obligation.  Only an invitation.  If you choose to seek yourself you will likely encounter a demon or two along the way.  In time you will see that Fear creates holograms, not actual beasts. 

 

Those who live through this, and especially those who thrive through it, will influence the future.  This is the way of adversity, spinning its magic in disguise.  Pain is not for naught. 

You need only bear witness.  Don’t pay more than you have to for clarity.  Blame, worry, anger….are dark indulgences that will lead you astray.

During this extraordinary and astonishing call to presence, may we do our best to remain open to possibility, to respond thoughtfully, and to be kind to others and ourselves.   

May we avoid the temptation to judge and criticize, opting instead to direct our energy toward understanding and compassion.

In short, may we be the sort of people that we can be proud of when all is resolved. 

And perhaps, be able to proclaim in un-hushed voice, the full breadth of discoveries we’ve encountered in this unfamiliar time.

Quaranteaming

27 Mar 2020 8 Comments

by Deb D in Parenting, Reconciling Tags: , , ,

With a 22-year old daughter living in Myanmar, my husband and I tuned in to the pandemic long before most. We leap-frogged over a lot of the concerns that are now consuming many a modern parent such as cancelled school and under-stimulated students.

This isn’t a claim that our experience makes us any more informed or entitled to anxiety than others. Nor do we have special dispensation to complain about how this pandemic has been handled by leaders. Rather, we feel a kinship with the world that perhaps is missed by those who have yet to settle into the reality that we’re all in this together.

Engaged in a virtual chase around the globe in pursuit of an invisible enemy, we tried to get ahead of the virus lest our eldest daughter get stuck in any number of unfavorable situations – alone, stranded, sick….Our focus was on formulating a plan to evacuate her from the opposite side of the world as the need arose.

The call to action came in the form of a letter distributed by my daughter’s peers who found themselves ill with COVID-19 symptoms. The terrifying description of their experience within a primitive healthcare system unleashed the parental panic I’d been harboring for weeks.

None of us were sure that our special-ops level of planning would guarantee my daughter’s safety. But after a stressful 50-hour trip, she arrived home, rattled by the experience of traversing the globe under extenuating circumstances.

Although she was glad to have returned to the U.S. through a rapidly decreasing window of opportunity, my daughter was loath to leave her second home, especially the people she grew to love. She struggled to hold back tears when she broke the news to her students that their time together was coming to an abrupt end. For although their country borders China, they had been sheltered from the chaos thus far. Even my daughter, who was acutely informed of the facts via her stateside connections, insisted until the bitter end that she was unaffected.

She wanted that to be true. We all do. But slowly, we’re coming to grips with universal vulnerability. This disease is not selective. Every human being on the planet is, or soon will be, embroiled in this war in some way. None are immune. Many feel defenseless. Each, I suspect, is struggling.

My family has decided to quarantine together at home, even though my daughter offered to isolate offsite when she returned from Southeast Asia. Quarenteaming, we’re calling it. If she, or any of my family falls ill to this disease, I want to be the one to care for them. This isn’t valiant, it’s motherhood.

With all of us hunkered down together, frustrations arise of course, but so do humor and moral support. For the most part, short tempers and sharp tongues are quickly checked by the newest dose of sobering news.

When the first case of COVID-19 was confirmed in my town, the local social media group erupted. Meanness and insensitivity dominated. One post demanded that the name of the infected family be revealed. The tone was disturbingly reminiscent of the infamous witch trials which took place in this same backyard in the 17th century.

Tension is high. But if we give in to hysteria and a compulsion to attack each other, we’re doomed to sink our own battleship. We’ll never win this war if we fight against our own team.

Life isn’t interested in blame. It’s also uninterested in assigning awards. This isn’t a competition in who’s doing the best parenting or homeschooling or good deeds. Life isn’t even asking us to be active or productive right now. What life needs from each of us is to shift our way of being, in favor of the greater good, and to apply the best of ourselves to what we now face. Because we’re all in this together.

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