Dear Warranty Department of the Universe,
I am contacting you to resolve the matter of a broken body. My parents purchased this body for me as a gift many years ago. I understand that there is a lifetime warranty against defects in workmanship. Well, this body doesn’t work right. It has reactive airways and skin, a broken heating element, and faulty pain control. When I use my body, it hurts. These problems appear to be escalating.
I’ve invested a lot of time and money on upkeep and repairs for what I thought was supposed to be a quality product. I use premium fuel and I regularly bring it in for maintenance. But it still doesn’t work as it should. Had I known the troubles this body would generate, I would have contacted you sooner about your return policy.
I’m hoping that as a reputable manufacturer you will stand by your product and offer to fix this body once and for all as I have not gotten the use out of it that I thought I would.
Thank you for your consideration of this matter.
Sincerely yours,
An unsatisfied human
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Dear unsatisfied human,
I am sorry to hear that you are unhappy with your body. I can assure you that we, the Universe, do stand by our products. We take pride in our wide variety of designs and exceptional quality of workmanship.
While you are correct that we offer a lifetime warranty, this applies only to defects in design. I see that the model that was purchased for you was our Basic Female version in white. This model did not include the pain-free, blemish-free, odor-free, illness-free package. That package was,unfortunately, a limited edition, cost-prohibitive extra, and has since been discontinued as it repeatedly failed to meet approval of our Quality Control Department.
I wish that I could offer you an exchange for a similar product, but it is our policy and practice to never duplicate a sale. Our fine print states that The Universe, LLC cannot assume obligation or liability for consequential damages sustained in connection with either proper or improper use of our products.
Perhaps you’d be interested in our extended warranty program. It covers hair color, chin waxing, corrective lenses, protective undergarments and walking aids. And we are currently running a promotion: Buy a subscription for massages, chiropractic care, supplements, and doctor’s appointments for the remainder of the lifetime of your body and you will receive at least one day of pain relief.
Rest assured, Ms. Unsatisfied Human, that we, the Universe do value you as a customer and hope that you enjoy your body. We appreciate your feedback and look forward to working with you in the coming years.
Sincerely,
The Universe
Chaos & Clarity 