Dear Beagle,
When you were in preschool we had a special date called “Mother’s Day Tea. You and your classmates worked for a week to create invitations, place settings, and snacks. On the day of the event, dressed up in your Sunday best and wearing a necktie for the first time, you sat patiently waiting at a pint-sized table for two. I was outside the classroom waiting anxiously for my name to be called. “Mrs. Dunham,” the teacher announced, which prompted you to stand up, push your chair in gracefully, and walk to the door to take my arm. You led me to my place as if on official business, and asked me to join you for a bite. I graciously accepted the tiny chair you pulled out as I fought back tears of joy.
My heart gushed with emotion that day. Watching you learn the timeless lessons of hospitality thrust my mind toward the day you would be taller than me, dressing in man clothes and shaving in preparation for your date – which wouldn’t include me.
You had perfect manners that day, Beagle. Any girl would have been proud to be sitting across from you. My hope, now that you’re dating, is that you retain the sense of importance in this ritual. You’ve got the basics, but there is so much more about relationships that I want you to know. Here are the top five:
- Don’t be careless with another person’s heart and don’t let them be careless with yours. You are playing with two hearts. Protect them both with gratitude, for the risk of incurring hurt is high when you take each other for granted. Be kind, be gentle, be aware. Honor the validity of your partner’s feelings even when they differ from your own. Love is a two-way street. It’s not about taking and using, it’s about giving and receiving. Listen to what your own heart is telling you and act on it with a mix of caution and abandon. And most of all, be brave. Because at some point your heart will be broken. But it will heal and find the capacity to love again. That’s what the heart does so well. And if it’s you that departs first, let her down with dignity and you will preserve your own.
- Love the one you’re with. We all want to feel special to someone. We want to know that the person we’re with has hand-picked us from the pack of possibilities. At first we are fixated on the other, blinded by love. But as time wears on, eyes may wander and observations may surface. If you find yourself distracted by the ‘greener grass,’ it’s time to re-evaluate. Take stock of your feelings and sort them out so you can make clear decisions. Perhaps it’s time to move on, perhaps not. But if you decide to stay, put your whole self into it. Intimate relationships require and deserve focus.
- Don’t kiss and tell. This is a no-brainer. If you want your relationships to succeed, you must honor sacred ground. No matter how much your ‘Boyz’ pressure you for information, keep it to yourself, even after the relationship has ended. Back away from the desire to brag about your progress with a girl. Respect the secrets you discover about each other and, dare I say, with each other. You will never regret the practice of becoming trustworthy.
- Be yourself. Partners in relationship have a way of highlighting each other’s warts, especially when the shine of newness has worn off. When one chews too loudly or the other does that thing she always does, it’s easy to be critical. We start to snip away at each other like tailors trimming and binding to make a perfect fit. Sometimes we agree to give up parts of ourselves and we become altered versions of the whole person we were born to be. True, we all have some ‘fat’ to trim; we could give up some bad habits that serve no one. But each of us is perfect and valuable and worthy as is. Better to find a person that fits the clothes than alter the clothes to fit a person.
- Take responsibility. Relationships possess a level of risk, both physical and emotional. Don’t let those risks run away with you. Think before you speak. Think even harder before you act. Know what I’m sayin’? Let me spell it out…If you don’t want to become a teen parent, protect yourself. Don’t assume your partner is taking care of business. Or better yet, abstain. Enough said. The most important piece of wisdom to remember about relationships is this: YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS. Don’t try to blame your witchy girlfriend, or her angry mother, or her crazy friends. No one makes you unhappy. Happiness is a matter of choice and perspective. If you love, respect, and care for yourself, happiness will not outrun you.
Beagle, you know how much I adore you. You’ve long outgrown my cuddles, but I hope you’ll never outgrow my love. I want the best for you and for all the people who are lucky enough to meet you in this lifetime. So listen to your wise mother. And bend down and kiss her once in a while. She will always be your first love.
“So there’s this boy who stole my heart. He calls me Mom.” -anonymous
Chaos & Clarity 