A woman sat at her desk at 10 a.m. counting the minutes until lunch. She was staaarrrving, she said, despite the fact that she had eaten breakfast just 2 hours before. Self-deprivation was masquerading as hunger in response to the woman’s decision to give up sugar entirely, thereby prompting her refusal to partake in the customary mid-morning coffee and donut run.
I took a step back in case she decided to take a bite out of my arm. I’ve seen this level of desperation before. It follows the January 1st festival of resolution-setting that can create misery amongst otherwise happy, even-tempered humans.
Resolutionists have good intentions to better themselves, but many make the mistake of declaring war instead of transformation and end up embattled with an enemy they can’t defeat. They decide that they’re somehow failing and they plot a course of action so extreme and unfriendly, they can’t possibly sustain the motivation to pursue lasting positive change. It’s as if they’re running away from themselves, leaving behind the person they are for the better version they want.
But we can’t outrun ourselves. Wherever we go, there we are, judging and shaming and should-ing all over ourselves. If we fail to prepare properly, we find the journey of self-improvement to be lonely and impossible. So we turn back, unable to see it through to the end. Then, of course, we emerge with a new reason to be disappointed in ourselves.
If we want to create meaningful change, we have to change our personal stories. Instead of running the script of defeat in which it’s sooooo hard to lose weight, or to break a habit, we begin to introduce compassion.
In this softer story, we love ourselves enough to change eating habits thoughtfully and gradually; we resist temptation by showering ourselves with simple comforts and words of encouragement; and we muster up the same patience with ourselves that we would grant to a small child who’s learning a new skill.
The secret to change is love, plain and simple. (If you snorted bitterly when you read that, take a breath. It’s truer than true.) When we meet ourselves without anger and resistance, we find compassion instead of contempt. Via the loving way, we encounter no enemy within, no destructive thought to sabotage our goal. There is only kindness, pulling us along, picking us up, and making us feel like the better person we want to be.
Change can be difficult, but it doesn’t have to be fatal. Now that January has come to a close, I hope to find all of my friends in good health and spirits – unbeaten by their own austerity, and unintimidated by the smell of a donut.
Chaos & Clarity 