Friend is a self-described control freak and I love her for it. I adore a person who’s self-aware and can be unapologetically true to herself.
‘Control’ works for Friend. It makes her feel safe. She knows how to stay in her comfort zone so she’ll operate at optimal capacity. For the most part, this works well for our friendship. Until….Friend’s controlling tendencies cause her to suffer. Then I, in my emotion-loving, demonstrative Italian way, need to step in.
As a controller, Friend doesn’t cry. Ever. She likes to tell herself that she doesn’t need to. But I don’t buy that hogwash for a second. Friend is forthcoming about her predisposition to ulcers. And she makes her own association between stuffing down negative, raw feelings and the resultant deterioration of her innards. I encourage her to let it all out but this is like asking a zebra to shed its stripes. It feels too naked and vulnerable.
Sometimes, when Friend is moved by emotion and I hear the feeling creeping up in her trembly voice, I poke the sensitivity for her, hoping that the tears will find their tipping point. But Friend is a master represser who doesn’t yet trust in the beauty of unbridled expression.
I won’t give up on her because I want her to enjoy the All-Access Pass to Life. I want to help her see the depth and beauty that lies below the surface of the happy human experience.
This sounds macabre. But in truth, the realm of darkness balances the lightness of life. It provides a broader range within which we can explore the vastness that might otherwise be limited by our own fear of discovery.
Life is like an amusement park with benign kiddie rides as well as thrill rides. If we choose to sit on a bench watching wistfully as the more daring park-goers ride the Tower of Terror, we might feel safe and content but we’re shorting ourselves the full experience. If we eschew our own emotional roller coasters such as grief, depression or loss, we miss the thrill of having conquered the entire range of emotions at our disposal. We become observers on the sidelines of our own life, not daring to dive into our limits.
When I rode my first upside-down roller coaster at 40 years old, I nearly fainted from fear. But the feeling quickly passed and was replaced with immense satisfaction in having allowed myself to participate. The same response happened during my first public speaking event, and my wedding, and every other situation in which I am the center of attention. Our rollercoasters are everywhere.
Unlike me, being in the limelight is a safe zone for Friend. But feeling and expressing downbeat emotion is her roller coaster. I have to remind her sometimes that no one actually ‘cries their eyes out.’ And that if she ‘breaks down and cries’ she won’t actually break. She will simply bust through the barrier that has been holding in all the hurt.
I propose a reciprocal fear-conquering goal for myself and Friend. One day, I will put myself in front of a large public gathering to tell a heartfelt personal story, and she will sit in the audience, moved to tears, begging for tissues, because she refuses to stop crying until she is spent. Afterwards, we will both feel shell-shocked and nauseated, but we will have each other to lean on. When we recover, we will toast to our bravery, then, most likely, we’ll head back to our comfort corners where I will observe on the outskirts and she will smile her way through distress. But at least we’ll be able to say that we defied our demons and lived to tell about it.
Chaos & Clarity 