A Dear One is divorcing and her teen daughter hates her.
“Don’t try to fix it.” I advise. “Let her be angry.” The truth is, this girl wants to be angry and divorce is a well-suited excuse to unleash her rage.
You want your daughter to see from adult eyes – to feel even a tidbit of hope that divorce will make life better instead of worse. But this girl’s heart is not ready to mend, for it has just begun its breaking open. In youthful naivete, this tender thing was blind-sided. In time, she may forgive. Or not. Some carry torches of pain for a lifetime. This will be her choice. Your job is to love through it as best you can. Love her. Love yourself. Love the circumstances that challenge you to rise above.
You asked my advice and hoped for a remedy to a situation that is unsolvable in a sentence or a phone call or a pocket-guide. Finding neutral for yourself and your revised family unit will take time that you don’t want to spare and patience you don’t think you possess.
You speak to me of plots and plans and you admit that you’re not thinking straight. How can you? You are being tossed against obstacles like a tiny boat in a raging sea and you fear you may drown.
My job is not to dive in after you at risk of getting swept up by the current. I will not agree or disagree with your manic declarations. It won’t serve anyone if I immerse myself in the drama. I need to stay on solid ground like the lighthouse keeper, shining a light so you know which direction to move in.
I would remind you that you are stronger than you realize. You are a survivor. But remember, strength doesn’t always look pretty. It cries sometimes. It reveals things that otherwise wouldn’t be exposed. Vulnerability is a place of healing. Trust the process. Let it transform you. Permit yourself to be human. Forgive yourself twenty times a day. Then do it again.
These are ugly times. Hard times. But not impossible times. You have come so far. It took courage to say the ‘D’ word and mean it. You must continue to be brave to survive the fallout.
Those who love you will endure with you. Please keep your faith. Even the most terrifying storms pass. This darkness will lift and reveal a new calm. Your sweet, conflicted daughter will surface. You will learn that you can stand alone in your own shoes. And one day, you will smile without trying because joy has returned.
Deb
Chaos & Clarity 